Quit stalling, Future

I’m in Starbucks again and I’m on the brink of tears again. Again, again and…wait for it…again.

Here I am once a-bloody-gain as if I haven’t been here once e-bloody-nough.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is in a constant phase of waiting and I genuinely don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I may as well be a sheep or a pig or some kind of farmyard animal standing in a pen, waiting to learn if I’m tomorrows bacon, or lampchops, or a foreign ingredient in a frozen, microwaveable lasagna. And it’s frustrating the hell out of me, just incase my expletives weren’t enough of a clue.

On a side note, it’s flipping’ freezing in here. The air con is so ridiculosuly – not to mention, unnecessarily – strong that my serviette is actually flapping in the breeze,  threatening to take flight in this gale force chill. When I first walked into Starbucks, I thought I’d actually walked into the Genius bar in the Apple shop, on account of the fact that everyone sitting in here was on a Mac. Literally the whole back row of tables is a straight, continuous line of MacBooks, like a very expensive noughts and crosses. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mac’s and am very pleased to be a part of the Mac club, but normally it’s just me in here and my usual table spot (complete with plug socket) is taken today. I think I’m going to have to move before I genuinely get frost bite. 

Anyway, I’ve just rung UCAS for the fifty seventh time in recent weeks to check when the teacher training dates deign to come out, because the website is so awfully difficult to navigate. And once again, they fob me off with, ‘They won’t be out until the 11th of October, that’s what are system is telling us.’

It’s amazing how much these dates have changed, from the 16th September, to the 26th to the 30th to flipping’ mid October. I feel like giving up before I’ve even written my personal statement.

To top it off my phone ran out of data two weeks before it gets refreshed which has been a barrel of laughs, naturally. And I haven’t even been on Pokemon Go this month, so I can’t even blame it on my mild obsession with catching Pikachu. Waiting to connect to various public wifi’s just to receive a potential whatsapp message is driving me insane.

Waiting to find out whether my volunteering as Tribute (aka volunteering to be made redundant) has been accepted, is also taking it’s not so sweet toll too. I’d quite like to know what will be happening with my life, once the next two weeks have passed by you know. Crazy that.

I feel like my future is being stalled. Constantly. Any plan I might have, any balls I’m keen and excited to get rolling (in a non sexual way, I can assure you) seem to stop in their tracks. And maybe there’s a brilliant reason for that, maybe there’s some simple explanation for why this is the case. But I’m finding it damn hard to find it. All I feel is frustrated and cross and a lot like crawling into the foetal position and retreating to the warm, safe haven of my bedroom, with a bottomless cup of tea, a never-ending supply of chocolate and regular visits from Oliver.

Once again I’m here, on the corner of Frustration Avenue, waiting for the Near Future Express to pull up, open it’s doors and quit stalling.

Please.

 

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