I’ve thought a lot about packing up this blog and pretending that this little blip in the internet never happened. I have a habit of this. I’ve had a few blogs in my time, but they only seem to serve a season. And then, after a session of pouring over old and all to honest posts, I unpick them from the internet and hide them away forever, as if those blocks of text never existed.
I didn’t want this blog to be like the others. I wanted it as a place to record all the highs and lows of my life, all the uncertainty and progression, so that I could scroll down and see how my life, when I thought it was fraying and unraveling, was actually being sewn together to make something whole and beautiful, imperfect admittedly but together and conducive to great happiness.
This year has been a whirlwind. I met someone wonderful. A human being who I now cannot imagine my life without. Someone who makes me want to be better, someone I want to make proud, someone I could spend every second with. This part of the year, has truly been the most wonderful episode to date. I finally have a boyfriend, and boy was he worth the wait.
But this year has also been a source of disappointment and painful challenges. I lost my dream job, or rather, I wasn’t made permanent. This has happened to me not once, but twice and it was this second hit that sent me reeling into a pit of self-doubt and depression. At points I honestly didn’t think I’d climb out, but by the grace of God, I did. I’m out. I’m on the edge of that pit still and sometimes I slump down on the side, head bent and my feet dangling in but I am determined that I will not slip into that hopeless state again.
It turns out that permanence is something that is extremely important to me. I think it’s important to all of us really, to some extent at least. But a job doesn’t define you and I’ve learnt that it isn’t the be all and end all, life and relationships are so much more important. I see that now. I’d much rather have dinner with my family than stay at work, starving and stressed fighting with a printer and filing invoices. And so this year has also seen the emergence of a lifelong dream. I’ve started writing. A book. A novel. A collection of pages, words, punctuation and feeling. And one day, even if I have to fight with tooth and nail, it will be available to buy, it will sit on the shelf of a bookshop (even if I have to put it there) and I will have achieved something permanent, immovable and forever alive.
But in order to avoid future feelings of hopelessness, immense boredom and potential madness, I’ve got back on the employment horse. As of yesterday I was appointed as a Teaching Assistant at a great school. I think I’m thrilled, I’m apprehensive and wary of bosses and objectives but I have to leave those fears in the past. Because it wasn’t my failing. This is a job where I’ll make a difference and I know I’ll love it. It’s also a job with sociable hours, so that I can write and write and write some more.
I’m not sure if this is the end of the beginning of things. I’m not sure if it’s the start of being in the middle of things, I can’t decide if I should end this whole blogging malarkey and keep myself to myself. I guess I don’t have to decide that just yet.
What I do know is that life is better right now. Life is good in fact. I’m happy. Not all of the time, but for most of it, I’m content. And contentment is pretty damn sweet.