It’s been a while Crocodile: a note on recent life

It sure has. Well, just to let you know I am very much alive and thrilled that one hundred and five of you lovely people have chosen to read and follow my ramblings. You have made a previously miserable, and disillusioned female on the brink of something, very, very happy indeed. So thank you, from the bottom of my excited heart.

‘But why are you excited?’ I hear you cry. Well, I shall tell you.

May has been a fantastic month, full of:

  • Payslips – which I never thought I would receive a few months ago on account of being most unemployed.
  • New clothes – including a pair of shoes that have literally maimed my feet. No word of a lie.
  • Food – being able to eat guilt free, from a purse strings point of view as opposed to my waistlines, in restaurants a plenty. I’ve had scallops, pizza, various burgers (sadly not a boar burger), waffles, lemons tarts, ice cream, tapas, mexican and beer at lunchtime. Crazy!
  • Friends and Hilarity – I’ve had an amazing time with friends, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much. I’ve raced around croydon to see The Great Gatsby, been out out, frequented many a pub garden, watched a squirrel narrowly dodge it’s death by petanque ball, had a scotch egg lobbed at me, raced around sainsburys in search of plastic cutlery, swapped clothes and watched many a bottled beverage erupt like a volcano. The list goes on.
  • Bank Holidays – by the bucket load.
  • Work functions – I’ve met various authors, had many a glass of prosecco (forget tea its all about the bubbly), received many a free book and eaten too many office snacks/paid for meals.
  • Developed an unhealthy obsession with The Great Gatsby – It is quite possible that I am in love with a deluded and fictional man which says a lot about me really; Mr Jay Gatsby and I, seem to share a strong sense of hope.

 

And for the first time in a long time I feel happy. And not just happy but kind of ecstatic. Because life is finally taking off. Albeit, intermittently and probably temporarily but for once my eyes aren’t fixed on the future because I have a wonderful present to live in and enjoy.

Admittedly I’m tired, exhausted in fact, I’m so busy that I haven’t painted my nails in goodness knows how long and as you may have noticed the blogging schedules has been slipping into oblivion. And living with the old parentals is hard, because the last thing I want to do when I come home is dust/clean a toilet/or vacuum. It’s just not on my to do list. So naturally there’s friction but I take the rough with the smooth.

But as you may have guessed I’m working now; working for a wonderful publishing company, with hilarious and devoted staff, as a temporary Marketing Assistant. I was contracted to do a six week stint but recently my contract was extended for another month, so I danced for joy. But on the 21st of June, when my contracts up, I know I’ll feel incredibly bereft. In fact the thought of finishing is giving me palpitations, so enough of that. But there is a plan for my life; a plan to give me a hope and a future. I must remember that. (Jeremiah 29 v 11, for those of you who are interested in the B to the I to the B to the L to the E). I’ve been clinging to that verse for the last year and finally, finally things are progressing. I’m making an impression, I have the chance to show that I can do the job I want to do and I can do it well. Who knows what could happen!

On the single front, I am also feeling much more lighthearted. I was chatting to my old housemate about this the other day and we agreed that it is remarkable what being busy can do for your mind. My head is no longer paddling in the ‘what if’s’ because it’s focused on the ‘what’s that’, I’m engaged in the present moments these days. Of course the future is still on my mind but it doesn’t dominate my every waking moment anymore.

So I’ve decided to stop hunting, searching, ‘actively’ seeking and whatever else I was doing before. Maybe I’ll be single for another seven months, maybe even seven years (ok, I’m a little extremely uncomfortable with seven years) but I want to enjoy my life in the now, I’ve had enough of trying to figure out why I’m still single and beating myself up about not being pretty enough, skinny enough, worthy enough etc.  I’m me, that’s all I can be and it’s all I ever will be. A boyfriend would be an amazing addition to my life, the right one of course, and who knows what could happen and when it could happen. But until then, until I’m caught off guard in a bookshop, or swept off my feet by whoever he maybe, I’m just living my life. ‘There’s nothing crazy bout me’. Ok, so I am a bit mad.

Things are changing, I feel more myself everyday and it’s so weird to think back to how sad and fed up I was a mere few months ago. It just goes to show you that life can change in an instant, it can rise up when you least expect it. And it happens fast and all at once like an avalanche. Only not exactly like an avalanche as that would be quite overwhelming, freezing and potentially painful, but you catch my drift.

Hold onto those dreams because they’re about to take off, so make sure you go with them. Up and up and up some more. Because life has so very much in store.

x

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