Valentines smalentines! Happy Thursday people! A Happy Single Awareness day to one and all!
I’m single and I know it. And have been for the majority of my life. The longest relationship I’ve had lasted exactly one month, 3 weeks of which were spent away from each other. I’ve been on dates believe me, I’ve been on many dates, infuriating dates because they have all been for nothing. They haven’t amounted to or added up to anything; besides heartache. And a lot of it.
But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
I don’t hate being single. Sometimes having someone on the scene is actually more hassle than its worth. But what I hate is the fear that there isn’t somebody for me because I really don’t want to be alone forever.
For now, I like that I can do whatever I want, that I don’t have any ties or commitments to anyone, I don’t have to share, I can be completely selfish with my time. I am young. I am free. I am single. People keep telling me this, they say I should enjoy it, comments like this just irritate me.
In the back of my head, I want a boyfriend to show the ones that messed me around and hurt me, that I’m finally happy and taken. That finally my Facebook relationship status has changed. I want to be standing at the water cooler at work (when I have a job that is) and be able to say, ‘Oh my boyfriend and I had a lovely weekend…blah blah blah’ and to have a picture of him pulling a funny face as my phone wallpaper. Is that wrong of me? Because I hope that when I do fall in love, all the past blips will be forgotten, that a certain someones reaction won’t even cross my mind.
I am content. Believe it or not I am. And I’ve always been good at spending time by myself, I went travelling on my own, I happily walk by myself and sit in coffee shops for hours with nothing but my book or pen for company. But every now and again it would be so nice to have someone come with me, someone to laugh with and share experiences with. Someone to make memories with. Someone who gets me. Besides I really want to be somebodies girlfriend.
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the fear that God won’t grant me a relationship. That somehow my huge desire to love and be loved romantically, to get married, to build a life with someone, to have children, will go unfulfilled. And I find that utterly terrifying because that’s all I’ve ever wanted, ever dreamed of. It’s who I am. And yes, I want a career, that’s incredibly important to me too, but what is a career if you have no one to come home to, if no one is there to plant a soft kiss on your forward, the same person who sees that you’re tired and tells you to come to bed.
I know I’m only 21 but the clock ticks loudly in my head. TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK and it reminds me that I will most probably leave 2013 as single as I entered it.
And Valentines Day only serves as a reminder that my little sister is getting married in August, that my Christian friends will most probably start getting engaged in a year or so. And every time I log onto Facebook another fellow singleton bites the dust, new relationships seem to be contagious, except for me. I can’t help but feel frustrated and hot angry tears start to gather in my eyes, because why am I still on this dusty shelf? The shelf of the single and the unemployed? Am I that unlovable? Unremarkable and unnoticeable?
Where the hell is he?
Every year I kid myself that I’ll be surprised on Valentines. If I hear the letterbox flap then I convince myself that it’s a letter of undying love, but it’s always just bills or some fast food flyer. One year my parents wanted me to get up so they told me that there was a letter addressed to me downstairs, I have never jumped out of bed so fast in my life. Turns out it was just a rouse to get me up, I cried because I’m a hopeless romantic and I was disappointed.
In primary school I used to get Valentine’s every year, I had a boyfriend from reception to year 2, now look at me.
But love isn’t just romantic. I may have never been bought a bunch of flowers from a male but I have friends who are all crammed in the same ‘Alone on Valentines’ boat. So this Valentines Day instead of crying into my pillow, I went cycling on a bike with no air in the tires. This is a prime example of why I need a man.
And after nearly dying on my deflated bike, my friend and ex-housemate came over for a high tea. For scones, cupcakes, nachos and plenty of tea. It was lovely and we baked away our temporary blues because our status may be single but we are far from alone. I didn’t have to dress up or make an effort, I just cooked and laughed and ate.
They say that singleness is a gift and it is. I just don’t like to be told this by people who are happily married and have exactly what I want. I hate it when people like my Dad say, ‘Oh you’re so sensible for choosing not to have a boyfriend’ because it wasn’t a choice. I wasn’t a choice. I didn’t chose to be single, it just ended up this way. For a reason, I hope.
So here’s to Singleness! Couples only tell us its a blessing to stop us moaning and ruining their happiness.
Love isn’t cards and flowers, it isn’t chocolate or grand gestures out of a few days of the year, it’s constancy, it is trust and a presence that you cannot live with out. It is somebody else hand in your own, its walking to the beat of somebody else’s feet, it’s a steady rhythm that you can keep up with, the gurgle of laughter, the sounds of mirth. It is a humongous smile, glittering eyes and feeling delightfully content in the moment, because you want to be in it, the moment, nothing else plays on your mind. Love is a freedom not a grind, it is liberating and life changing; it is a basic human right.
‘There is no shame in being hungry for another person. There is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody.’- Augusten Burroughs
One day, when you least expect it, you’ll be on the road to notsosingleville. And it will be wonderful.